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It means that you’re not just using your words to show a change, your actions are proving this change as well. Sometimes, the list of people who you’ve wronged can seem endless and be overwhelming to even start tackling. There is no set timeframe you must abide by when reconciling with your loved ones. In fact, your family’s healing process will look different from yours.
The outcome of making amends doesn’t always end in relationships picking up where they left off, but the process is cathartic and necessary to move on. A big part of working the 12-Step Program is making amends. Unfortunately, after you get sober, all the hurt and destruction you caused in the wake of your addiction doesn’t just go away. You have to put in the work to repair the damage and heal those relationships.
What Do You Say When Making Amends? – The Step 9 Amends Letter
Maybe it is a fight you always thought you had time to resolve. Perhaps it is something you said or did while they were ill. Now, whether it is an apology, a want for forgiveness, or an amends, that person isn’t here and it makes it hard to imagine any of living amends those things are possible. No matter how much we feel the need to make things right, forcing another to meet with us or hear from us is not part of the Steps. Living amends represent the long-term actions you will take to remain committed to recovery.
We’ll also include a Step 9 amends letter for anyone who wants to implement this step but isn’t sure how to. It would be easy to think there is nothing more WYG can write about guilt and grief. We’ve written about how common guilt is in grief (you wouldn’t believe how many people get the “coulda woulda shouldas”). We wrote an article about the difference between guilt and regret. We talked about the complicated processes of self-forgiveness and self-compassion.
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If someone does not want to hear from us, we respect that and do our best to move forward with our recoveries. Your efforts to make amends may not always go as well as you hope. Try not to respond with anger or defensiveness if others aren’t responsive to your efforts.
We go back to a moment in time and we fixate on the things we wish we had done differently. It makes it hard to remember things that happened before or after. We blame ourselves for certain things that happened – sometimes rightfully, and sometimes not. An example would be telling someone how sorry you are that you stole from them and actually giving back what you took. Sex addicts often feel unworthy of their partner’s respect and love.